Monday, November 15, 2010

my mid teen crisis

my Mid teen crisis.

My name is Joanna, but they call me Joe. I am suffering from mid-teen crisis-this is a phase of utmost confusion and severe anxiety. I just turned sixteen last week and since then my life has not been the same. I am a pretty, dark skinned girl; I am tall, at least for my age, that, is 5 ft 5 inches. I love baggy T-shirts; baggy jeans sagged a bit below my butt crack. I don’t make up, I don’t do earrings. I love my hair blown out and unretouched, it brings out the tiger in me.
I am a member of an all guys clique, or should I say, a fraternity. We call ourselves ‘the Tigers’. The school authority is against our activities but the school sport coordinator’s got our back, full time. I am in a boarding school- John Kings Secondary School. My biggest wish has been that I lose my two growing lumps(breasts as they are popularly called) and grow an extra appendage between my legs. I am a member of the school basket ball team, last interschool competition, I won the school’s favourite basketballer of the year, dad was very proud but mom wasn’t, she wants me to drop sports and enter the home management club, the thought is terrifying and I really cannot stand that club, it’s just filled with a bunch of nasty, spoilt, disgusting, drama queens, that spend on their time on fights and gossips over boys, backstreet boys and nail polish. I hate nail polishes and I think make- up should be illegal; it is high class deceit and lies.
Every morning when I wake up I see the school’s most beautiful and finest in their truest, crudest and natural forms. They are ugly, very ugly with nasty drool marks running down their mouths and phlegm dripping off their noses.
To me, girls are stupid; they are naturally dramatic, selfish, malicious, self centered and free born snitches. They pretend a lot. My worst part of everyday is bedtime, I just feel like killing myself each night at the dormitory seeing everybody naked and half dressed with big and little lumps intimidating themselves.
I hangout every evening with my fellaz over at the basketball court, we play cards, gamble and practice basket ball. I love the way guyz live. They are family, to them, the word brotherhood is much more intimate than the dictionary defines it, sisterhood is a joke, I call it spinsterhood (the life of a woman alone), and motherhood is ‘murder-hood’.
Guys are free, open, accommodating and honest to the core. They are brotherly, sharing and loving. Guys share everything ranging from personal toothbrushes down to boxers, briefs and under wears. That’s the good life not the hypocritic life of cats and cat fights. Mike said they share a bed space five to one over at the male dormitory. That is not possible over here.
Last two weeks was my birthday, my one and only birthday wish was for God to make me a guy. I wish so hard to be a guy that I stand to pee and imagine it’s flowing forward and not downward. On my birthday, Mike got me a pres\nt and that’s the best gift I’ve ever gotten since I was born, it was a t-shirt and on it was written “girls are not to be just God and dogs…God is man’s closest friend and dog is man’s best friend…trust just dogs don’t trust girls ”
Right now I don’t know what is happening to me, my mid teen crisis has intensified, I am becoming like them, I think I’m beginning to like Mike and I hate the feeling. I no longer feel like a ‘brother’ around him, I don’t want to feel shy around him, I just want to play with him like before with no pup petering strings attached. These days before practice I brush my hair well and always get tempted to make up. My basket ball shorts are always neat and well ironed these days. Whenever I’m with him, breathing is hard, thinking is even harder, I either get dumb or I talk too much and talk rubbish. Mike said I’ve been acting strange lately and he likes ‘the strange me’. He himself has also been acting strange; we both have been coming early for practice, maybe a little too early.
During practice he keeps trying to grab my lumps, I try to act like I don’t understand, but I know we both know this is beyond basket ball. I feel like girls now, I now know the complete lyrics of Britney spears’ ‘just a girl’. I am at a cross road now, I’m torn between the life of prince charming and that of Cinderella. Yesterday, I watched the tigers disintegrate and break up over an empty fight and it was all because me, it was unbelievable, guys fight!? Mike was crying like a girl and it was all because of me, me! I felt nothing but just pity, and I realized today that I’M JUST A GIRL AND NOTHING CAN CHANGE IT, I talked to Fifi about my feelings and she said it’s called love, please somebody, tell me, could this be love or something more?

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