Monday, November 1, 2010

deep light


Where really am i? what’s going on?

...Last two weeks I remember coming Back from work, sliding into my bathtub and falling into this quick very deep spontaneous sleep, deeper than my soul can tell,right now even as we communicate now, I have not woken up yet, all I remember was seeing deep bright light, images of my childhood, teen days and my youth flash my eyes fast in the speed light like a slide show. I know this is not a dream

I noticed I took my last inhale of breath, my pulse seized I fell into this transitory trace or should I say sleep. It felt like forcing little sparks and electric shocks through an orgasm, it felt like deep inhale of air with both eyes closed tight and speeding into nothingness or more like a free swift endless fall into this empty bottomless pit, holding your breath to hit the bottom but it’s not forth coming

All I feel here is this huge vacuum and in depth emptiness, like am missing something but I can’t just place it. After the deep light came blinding darkness darker than ocean’s depth.

Here is an abyss of loneliness. Last week was fun and awesome I watched all my friends and enemies assemble and jubilate in this colorful flamboyant funeral my headstone was a beautiful slate of foreign marble, with my name and title engraved on it. i heard the priest read it out

Sir Barr. Clinton Okoh


We love you, you are our hero

As he wiped his eyes, I remember him, he never liked me, we nearly fought on my wedding day, he said my wife was pregnant outside the altar.

I also saw my best friend kunle(“mongo park”) as he cried uncontrollably like a mourning widow, my mother looked strong she’s becoming used to these things she had lost daddy- her husband to this same sleep. I wish I could tell her that I spoke with dad here, he’s fine, he said he communicates to grandpa and grandma too. I couldn’t see him it’s so dark in here but at least I heard him vividly. Everything feels empty I’m not sad neither am I happy…everything is steady, motionless and lifeless. I don’t even feel pity or hate or love.

I saw my wife devastated, going amok or should I say gaga. With my 5year old son watching my wife in fear and confusion oh !how I miss that cold feeling

I even saw my biggest foe! Amber rose, read a tribute over my gravestone, shedding crocodile tears. How deceptive can humans be. She doesn’t know I see her heart now. In here I seem to have developed 5 extra senses and lost one-my favourite THE SENSE OF TOUCH and also the ability of locomotion & movement. I have also lost all my emotions, feeling, of sadness, depression, pity, happiness, and fear… all I know here is echoing silence

Last week kunle dressed me up in a silver coloured suit, well polished prada shoes a white shirt & a purple tie-purple was my favourite colour here it’s just either white or black no shades of grey in between. I was perfumed with Nike ice.

my favourite perfume, I still smell it in here, amber surprised me she dropped on my headstone her guitar!!! This same guitar that made us sworn enemies! This same guitar that I lost my job at the vogue hotel, Abuja to!!! What in this “world” will I be doing with now? She even invited my favourite band- freshly ground from south Africa. Was she trying to impress me? Well I don’t know if I am or not. Flowers decorated my headstone, music shot high loud until 5:00pm people waved their eternal goodbyes friend, foes & strangers acting like they knew me. I would have fallen for their skillful trick.

The priest read “ashes to ashes, dust to dust…” as my wife closed me in this empty box as I was lowered slowly below ground surface I could not hear them clearly any longer my last sounds were the line from freshly ground’s song "I'D LIKE" playing in the distancing surface above “what will you do if I held your hand and laid you down?” as lumps of sand hit the lid of my box slowly, it got heavier and louder until I couldn’t hear them anymore. I can’t feel this box I don’t even know if it’s warm or cool I can only imagine it warm.

As thick dark misty air cover the lid of my box.

After Last week’s event I have been wide awake waiting for something to happen, just one thing, but nothing! No more visits! Forgotten in just two weeks?!… life goes on as “they’ll say. At least I get the usual visits of big-headed termites eating my wrinkling skin, it used to be succulent like red tomatoes today it’s perishing like wasting vegetables. These termites enjoy my jelly brain flesh as they creep slowly through my ears and nose. They really love my brain tissues. I don’t feel their bite. I am just so numb; I miss the feeling of pain, pinching pin, touching & feeling things, the warmth of hugs, or the divine joy satisfying a brutal itch!...

All my thoughts, hopes, plans, dreams, and all my mighty knowledge of life and science, music & arts, people & places has all been buried here in this empty worthless box. At least my big secrets are safe here with me too.

I see clearly now as if I have been blindfolded all this while, I hear far & loud, even my own thoughts are echoing loud in this box. The guys at the mortuary gorged out my frozen, lifeless heart last week. They put me in a better box with crystal clear white misty gas.

Today my box was broken & heavily infested by termites big & small. These termites are done enjoying my silver coloured suit now all I have left is torn birthday suit. For the first time I feel unashamed in my birthday suit.

I am still sleeping awake. Morning through night, day by day… I am waiting for something, something new, maybe a miracle, some divine intervention

Maybe a "wake-up" miracle, will I ever wake up? And feel the sun burn me skin deep, or sniff fresh air, or smell the forest woods, or feel a sweet hug again.

Will I ever see you again?

Will I ever wake up?

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